Weddings Are Overrated

Written on Jul 12


Last week my girlfriend's close friend got married. I'm pretty much against marriage at a young age, but I really like this girl and I think they'll be together awhile. However, I've never been to a wedding so I thought this event would totally suck. The girlfriend bribed me with tons of free alcohol (I guess people drink a lot at weddings), and a new suit she bought at Ross for really cheap. Since I was promised alcoholic happiness and I looked good, I thought "why not?".

The wedding was at a rented house out in the boondocks surrounded by dry shubbery and wilderness. It was around 4pm and I was marinating in California's summer sun. I mingled with a bunch of people I didn't know and waited for the bar to open. Luckily for me, there were two bars. I guess that's lucky for everybody else too.

Being the type that isn't patient, I reached around the bar and grabbed a can of Miller Lite out of the cooler. After a couple of beers the ceremony started and it was one of those religious-pray to God-he will save us type of deals. Surprisingly, the service was over in under 20 minutes and this made me happy. I thought to myself, "are all weddings like this?". The bride and groom looked like they just wanted to relax so I assumed a massive party was imminent.

The MC guy told all of us to enjoy ourselves with food and drinks and to be responsible. Free alcohol and food and a bunch of girls waltzing around in skimpy wedding attire? This sounds like my type of party. On my way to the bar I shouted loud enough for everybody within earshot to hear, "EAT, DRINK, BE MERRY BITCHES" in a Rick James voice. The odd looks I received made me think this wasn't my type of party. Oh well.

Long story short, after tipping the caterers very well I had an endless stream of alcohol provided to me. I started to get annoyed with the girlfriend so I retired myself to the upper balcony and watched all the other guests engage in uproarious festivities that didn't include me. I once again thought to myself, "are all weddings like this?". But the 12 beers I just consumed alleviated my contempt for weddings. Somehow, someway, I ended up on the dance floor and paid a dollar to dance with the bride. I usually don't pay the hookers in Tijuana ANYTHING to dance with me, but I guess this was customary. Atleast it was a dollar well spent because she was a beautiful girl.

A little later I finally met up with people who recognize me. We talk, catch up, and enjoy each other's company. Out of nowhere the DJ plays a LIL JON song. All the bridesmaids and all the single best men start dancing seductively on the dance floor. In the background I can see people old enough to be my father freak dancing. I've never seen old people get freaky in my life but I guess LIL JON has the talent to make that happen. A few songs later I thought I was Justin Timberlake and was dancing with my girlfriend on the dance floor. Fucking LIL JON...

Even when drunk, inebriated beyond belief, and totally comotose I still recognize two words: LAST CALL. I bolted to the bar and grabbed as many beers as I could carry to the car. I had about 7 or 8 in my possession. For me, that means the party is over. My girlfriend and I decided to leave to avoid traffic all while I'm happily chugging free beer without impunity.

We are about half way home and all of a sudden the new car we are driving runs OUT OF GAS. The girlfriend pulls over along side the road and we call our room-mate. He arrives damn near instantly (alcohol has time warping properties sometimes), and we get enough gas to go home.

Now this wasn't an eventful story. It wasn't meant to be. It's the moral that needs to be paid attention too: Weddings suck. The bride and groom could have gotten married in the church and went to $5 pitcher nights to celebrate. They would have saved themselves damn near $15,000. Or they could have went to Vegas. No one runs out of gas in Vegas. I speak from experience. :)


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