New Reality Shows
Written on Apr 07


Every time I turn on the TV to watch the only show I turn on the TV for (The Simpsons), I'm bombarded with commercials for new reality shows. All of them fucking suck. There is nothing *real* about watching Paris Hilton act like she's roughing it when she still carries around Gucci bags, her dog, and designer clothes. Don't even get me started on that Survivor bullshit either. Survivor is like an adult version of Boy Scouts. How fucking real is that? I'll tell you: it's not real. It's gay.

Because I'm so fucking brilliant, I'm going to suggest my own "reality" shows. I'm bringing "reality" back into television. I took the liberty of compiling four scripts to propose to the three major networks. They want ratings? Well, I'll give them ratings that would turn Oprah into CSPAN. Even though I'm sure the FCC won't be too happy, but fuck them and their censorship campaign.


PARIS HILTON: "Surreal Life, Compton Edition."

DESCRIPTION: Paris Hilton has to live by herself in a run-down, cockroach infested apartment in East L.A for three months. She gets $200, a gram of crack-cocaine, and some WIC vouchers and food stamps.

PREMISE: The Bloods next door are taking bets on who's gonna "tap that white girl ass first". The vatos across the street are going to try and jack her for the crack. What will happen? Will Paris succumb to the ghetto and be another homicide victim, or will she rise above the slums and become a respectable hood rat?

WHY IT'S A WINNER: Viewers will be able to call in to the network and place [illegal] bets. This should make things a little interesting and we'd attract more viewers on the potential of making money. Besides, who'd miss watching a pretentious, socialite, multi-million dollar heir getting gangbanged by the neighbors on prime time TV? We'd call the episode, "A Second Night In Paris" and make millions!

- - -

SURVIVOR: "Congo Jungle 2004."

DESCRIPTION: Ten unlucky contestants will venture into the African jungle and attempt to survive the elements for 25 days. "Elements" include, but are not limited too: deadly animals (spiders, tigers, snakes), lack of fresh food and water (none will be given), indigenous peoples, (pre-historic African tribesman. Think Crocodile Dundee mixed with Mike Tyson), and a lack of shelter and common conveniences. What fun!

PREMISE: No luxury hotels or amenities. This is the real fucking deal. If the contestants don't hunt some food down, they'll starve. Or atleast become cannibals in front of 50 million people. Think Survivor "Africa" was difficult? Try Survivor: "Congo". People are fascinated by reality shows, well this is the ultimate in "reality". No bow and arrow bullshit with people getting voted off -- you fight to survive... or you die.

WHY IT'S A WINNER: Live cameras will be streaming over the internet 24/7 to provide web access to all the mayhem! A bushman will provide daily interviews with the contestants, which will be formatted into six, 30 minute episodes for the first season. The winner (or) survivor, which ever you prefer, will receive 5 million dollars. The others will be left in the jungle to figure their own way out.

- - -

AMERICAN IDOL: "I Wanna Be A Rap Star!"

DESCRIPTION: Entrants will perform a written or freestyle song dissing a professional rapper of their choice. Entrants will be judged on originality, creativity, believability (no wankstas, please), presentation (bullet proof vests, tattoos, mock weaponry, and gang signs are a plus), and of course, lyricism.

PREMISE: This American Idol bullshit is getting old and it's making superstars out of moderately talented people. AMERICAN IDOL: "I Wanna Be A Rap Star!" will add more excitement, and introduce the world to a plethora of ex-Jerry Springer contestants trying to become famous rap stars. Watching grown men "beef" about childish antics and degrade themselves on national television is a sure fire ratings winner.

WHY IT'S A WINNER: William *motherfucking* Hung, how the hell did this guy get famous? For singing "She Bangs" so horribly it would annoy a deaf person? Pshhh. Imagine if he was a rapper!? William Hung, a.k.a. 'The Hung One', or 'Bucktoof', or even something gangsta like 'Little Pistol Smoke'. If he was bouncing up and down in baggy clothes two sizes too big, shouting swear words and disses towards 50 Cent, we'd get higher ratings than CSI *and* Friends. This show is a definite winner because BET will want in on the action. Urban market: covered.

- - -

WHO CAN DRINK THE MOST:  "Beer Gluttons."

DESCRIPTION: Sure, some Asian guy can eat 50 hot dogs. Big fucking deal. My new reality show, Beer Gluttons will bridge the borders of alcoholism with pure, un-adulterated gluttony. Round one: 20 beers, 3 minutes. The [standing] winner will move onto the next round. Round two: 8 consecutive beer bongs of New Castle, washed down with an Arrogant Bastard Ale within 70 seconds. And that's only in the second round! The overall winner will be dubbed "The Tank" and be given a year supply of beer compliments of whoever is crazy enough to sponsor this wacky concept show.

PREMISE: Pretty simple -- drink as much beer as possible and get completely shit-faced on national TV for prize money and complimentary beer.

WHY IT'S A WINNER: People are going to be fascinated by the fact that someone can destroy a healthy liver in the first five minutes of the show. The fact that most contestants will need to be admitted to the ER with liver failure or alcohol poisoning afterwards will only add to the "realness". Besides, drunks are funny, right?


There you have it. Now that's "reality" for you. Any producers who are brave enough to pick up my idea(s) can email me and we'll work out a six-figure deal. Or a case of MGD, whichever is more feasible.


<< back