Cell Phones Suck
Written on Jan 21


People that sell cellular phones are assholes.

Don't get me wrong; some of the people are hard working adults or college students trying to make a decent living. That covers about 5% of them. The other 95% of cell phone salespeople are LYING PIECES OF SHIT.

The cell phone companies themselves aren't any better. They hire scum salespeople to peddle their cheaply made, contract- obligated products to the masses. Then they pay these people minimum wage plus commission. Paying your employees a minimum wage salary is like saying, "Hey, we would pay you less if we could get away with it legally". The rest of their paycheck comes from commission sales.

These phone-selling-scavenger-fucks will do anything to make a few extra bucks. They've yelled at me, tricked me, tricked people I know, and generally make me sign contracts that are built to take my money. Think I'm exaggerating? Read the fine print on the contract(s) that you sign. If you lose your phone, they charge you. If you break your phone, they charge you. If you cancel your service, they charge you. If you go a minute over your plan, they charge you more. I'm sure you get the point by now.

"BUY, BUY, BUY! UPGRADE! UPGRADE! BUY MORE!"
How about a healthy dose of... "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"

I hate walking through the mall nowadays. Every 15 feet there is a different cell phone vendor. Cingular, T-Mobile, Verizon, and Motorolla vendors are constantly yelling at me to buy a phone. If I already have a phone and show them, they want me to upgrade. These people will do or say anything just to reel in a customer. They even cuss at me when I ignore them. Like I'm obligated to buy a phone from them? It's not like I punched them or anything. Next time, I will punch them.

This is a warning to all phone-selling-scavenger-fucks: DO NOT TALK TO ME. IF I WANT A PHONE, I WILL APPROACH YOU. DO NOT FUCKING TALK TO ME AT ALL. I'M VERY CAPABLE OF MURDER AND YOU ARE VERY CAPABLE OF BEING ANOTHER HOMICIDE VICTIM.

And for everybody that might not be capable of strangling a phone salesperson, I've provided a few witty retorts to use next time you get aggravated:

PHONEGUY: Do you have a phone sir?
YOU: NO, BUT I HAVE A GUN.

PHONEGUY: Our phones are free!
YOU: Eat shit and die, ratfuck.

PHONEGUY: Would you consider upgrading--
YOU: *interrupting* Would you consider licking my ass?

PHONEGUY: Upgrade to a Turbo 4000 Mega Phone here!
YOU: Why don't you chop your genitals off so you don't breed, ratfuck?

For any other comment, just punch the bastard in the jaw. This will eliminate them from saying any further remarks. Trust me, you will be doing the world a favor. Besides, this world has enough cell phones anyways.



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