The Massive Party
Written on Nov 17


Once and a great while I get a day off from work. This week I requested Saturday night off because a good friend of mine was having a birthday party. I thought to myself, "girls, kegs, local bands, and friends", this will be awesome. Boy, was I fucking wrong.

I got directions for this "massive house party" about a week ago. I got very concise and gas efficient directions. I was motivated -- there wasn't going to be any fuck-ups this time. The party was located near the SDSU college campus. I live in North County, so it's quite a long drive. After missing an exit or two, our car arrives at it's destination. Shockingly enough, there is no cars on the street where this "massive house party" should be. 25 minutes of my life was spent patrolling that neighborhood looking for a party. No party. I felt like a drug dealer looking for customers as I cruised up and down the street. My passengers were noticeably frustrated. It's phone time.

I call the guy who's throwing the party:

"Hey bro. I'm in the area of the party. Where do I go?"
"Uhh. That location was cancelled. I tried to call--"
"Oh"
"Anyways, it's at a new location."
"Oh"
"It's right near your house in the North County"
"Oh... great. You mean back where I started?"
"Yea" *girls screaming in the back ground*
"Oh. Alright, I'll be there."

I started my party adventure at 8:30pm. It's almost 10pm now. We had a tough time finding the new location but we eventually stumbled upon it. No bands. No kegs. 1 girl. And a bunch of stoner-kid-wannabe-alcoholics.

Is it just me, or do parties never turn out like they sound? When a friend tells me, "Yeah man, there's a keg, 30 bitches, and a big house to party at", it really means "Yeah man, you can drink my warm Country Club Malt Liquor 40oz, look at my mom's saggy tits and stand in my baby momma's cousin's below-freezing trailer." But like the asshole that I am, whenever someone says the words P-A-R-T-Y, I always expect the best.

Not anymore.

It's approaching 11pm and I'm standing in the backyard of a run-down house drinking some beer that I BROUGHT. As I took another swig of warm beer, I began to reflect about the scene around me. I enjoy observing party-kids in their natural habitat: Circles of stoners were hovering around the marijuana talking about doing nothing. The perma-fried druggies were walking around aimlessly staring into space. Most of the drunk guys were bragging about things they don't have or never will attain only to sound cool around the -hardcore- party kids.

Then there's me and my best friend -- we are standing talking amongst ourselves about nothing really in particular. The only girl at the party was super hot, but she was clutching onto her boyfriend like he was a trophy catch. He looked like one of the members from that old gay boy band Hanson. Just as I contemplated going home, someone shouted the words I was waiting to hear, "WE HAVE A KEG GUYZ". It looked as if things were getting better. One super hot -taken- girl, 1 keg, and a slight buzz. I didn't think this party could get worse. I was wrong again.

The keg was sitting in the middle of the party, shining in all it's glory. That full Heineken keg was a beautiful sight. But there would be no Heineken for anybody. In all the excitement of getting the keg before the store closed, someone forgot to get a tap. Nobody has a tap. All the stores are closed. The crowd was getting rowdy about now. The fire department came out earlier and told them to extinguish the bon fire. The glorious keg was moved to the bathroom. Everybody was on their cell phones yelling over each other calling their "hook-ups" for a tap. Still, no tap. I've only seen one working keg and tap combo in my life. Amazingly, not having a tap is a frequent occurence whenever I show up at a party. Fuck me.

The tap never did arrive. But guess who did arrive? The local authorities, a.k.a. the police, a.k.a. the pigs, a.k.a. the party crashers. It was time to leave this "massive house party" and return to the safety of my home. No keg. No drunk (and horny) girlies. My buzz is gone. Atleast I wished my friend a happy 22nd birthday!

But it's ok.

I'll probably end up doing it again next week.




<< back