Teen Magazines Suck
Written on Feb 02


I typically dislike anyone under the age of 20. My best friends are all 20 or older. However, I still fall under the category of "teenager" because I'm five months shy of 20. Do I think teenagers suck? Yes I do. Do you know what sucks more than teenagers? Teen magazines. The only people mindless enough to read these waste of trees are pathetic teenagers looking for something new and trendy to follow. TeenPEOPLE, Teen Vogue, Twist, CosmoGIRL, etc. These magazines appeal to pubescent teen girls that have absolutely no style or intelligence. Here are five concrete reasons why teenage magazines are horseshit:

1. The writing sucks. Face it, 90% of the readership (if you can even call it that) look at the pictures. I've seen better grammar and writing technique in urban elementary schools. I can't remember how many times I've seen the word, "hot" or the phrase "cute guys" in one magazine. The lack of depth makes me want to start burning magazines one by one. Too add more fuel to my fire, Valentines Day is about a month away, so now all the current -teen girl- magazines feature articles about "what to get your crush", or "how to be romantic". I'm sorry, but if you need lackluster advice from a moronic magazine columnist on 'how to be more romantic' or 'how to be a better kisser', or whatever bullshit these crap magazines dish out, than I hope you asphyxiate on your own saliva. Fucking retards.

2. Magazines contradict themselves. Almost every issue has some sort of lame motivational propaganda about someone who was teased because of some genetic deformity. The whole story is a sad tale about how superficial some teenagers can be with a predictable "don't judge a book by it's cover" moral. "Look at poor Susie! She's fat and the other girls make fun of her because she's overweight". Let's not forget about Amanda's story either, "Amanda was teased all through high school for being butt-ugly, -- she looks like a dead walrus with a flesh eating skin disease. But don't make fun of her!" All that motivational positivism goes down the drain when you look at the advertisements in each and every magazine. Each of the models are naturally beautiful, physically fit, and very attractive. How come advertisers don't use fat or ugly girls to model their products? I guess nobody wants to look at ugly people, do they? People just want to read about the social hardships of ugly folks. If the magazines actually believed the positive rhetoric they print, they would hire overweight and less attractive girls to do the modeling. This brings me to a segue-way for my next point:

3. These magazines are all about sex. Yet, these magazines are marketed for the teenage demographic where society tries to prohibit and restrict sexual independence in young people. I like how the magazines dance around the subject of sex. There are topics about kissing, dating, PDA, and just about anything relating to foreplay, yet nothing about the actual act of sex itself. Where do you think all that foreplay leads too? Teenagers are horny little bastards *(I speak from experience. I'm horny as I'm writing this article right now)* All I see is low-cut jeans, mid-drift tank tops, and other clothing designed to show as much skin as possible. Hell, most teen-girlie magazines even have pictures of guys with no shirts and girls in skimpy bikinis. Yet it's too "graphic" or "striking" for people to openly write and talk about sexual intercourse? I will gladly contribute an article pertaining to the "DO's & DON'T's OF ORAL SEX". Or better yet, "WHY LUBE MAKES SEX SMOOTHER & BETTER". But I'm sure my article(s) will be rejected because of the big words.

4. Magazines subliminally lie to girls. They show pictures of athletic, good looking people to TRICK YOU! Some morons actually believe that if they follow the beauty advice word for word, they'll actually look as sexy as the girl in the picture. I'm sorry to break the news, but if you're fat, you're still going to be fat. There is no instant-miracle-cream to cure the UGLY disease, and no amount of make-up is going to genetically alter your appearance so the opposite sex will find you more attractive. Under that mask you're still ugly; inside and out. These magazines rely on teenage girls and their insecurities.

5. Teenage magazines are horseshit because they cater to ignorant, insecure, and gullible human beings. Trendy and superficial are the only words I can think of aside from "horseshit" to describe these magazines. I know someone is going to read this article half-way and try to defend their favorite magazine. Chances are, they'll probably try to argue the point that if I'm so "anti-teen mags", then how do I know so much about them? Well for one, I'm not going to bash a subject I know absolutely nothing about. Second, I work at a grocery store as a stocker, these magazines are the only thing that pass the time aside from eating. Besides, I always skim over the reader questions. Every now and then someone will mail the editors with a gem like:


"HI, MY NAME IS JAMIE. MY PUSSY BLEEDS WHEN I TAKE A PISS. I THINK MY 9" VIBRATOR IS TOO BIG. I'M HAVING SEX WITH MY BF MARK, BUT HE HAS AIDS. I'M WORRIED. SHOULD I SEE A DOCTOR? - Jamie, 15. NC."


Now that's what I call entertainment!



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