The Fast Food Critic
Written on Sept 28


There is absolutely nothing "fast" about fast food. It's one of those untrue slogans used to lure today's "busy" consumer. So today I'm going to rate (and bash) on fast food restaurants and the genderless creatures that work at these establishments. If any of my readers work at a fast food place and think that I'm referring to them, I probably am.

For those of you who know me, and for those of you who don't, you should know that I'm a junk food junkie. I live on my own, so it's rare when my room mate or one of my friend's cook. The last home cooked meal I had was eons ago. So basically I'm forced to eat out just about every day. Restaurants, diners, and grills can be very expensive, so I usually surrender my appetite to some hole-in-the-wall fast food joint.

I've rated and detailed the pro's and con's of five mildly popular fast food restaurants for your benefit and my amusement. The winner is towards the bottom of the page. Let's get started:


Place: Jack-In-The-Box
Quality of Service: On the scale of fast food restaurants in my area, JITB (that's an acronym for Jack-In-The-Box, dumbass) probably has the best service. They only fucked up my order once, and they only kept me waiting once. Compared to other places, they're the God of quality service. 9/10.
Quality of Food: The tacos are filled with some sort of meat product, which could possibly be either horse or dog meat, but they are good nonetheless. The rest of the food tastes great, but sometimes the hamburgers look like road kill. 6/10.
Overall Rating: Jack-In-The-Box is open 24/7 at most places, provides decent service, and gives you exactly what you expect. The $.99 cent menu is a good value too. For whatever reason, just don't expect to see any white people working at your local Jack-In-The-Box. 7/10.


Place: Burger King
Quality of Service: Lousy! Every time I order something at BK, I feel as if I'm talking to a suggestive-selling robot. The employees never look at me and pretty much toss the food through the drive-thru window at my car. Ironically, a midget works at the BK closest to my house. Considering my fascination with midgets and my oddball request, I find it hard to keep a straight face while pulling up to the drive-thru. 4/10 (only because of the midget).
Quality of Food: Good, but be prepared for your arteries to be clogged with so much cholesterol, you'll heart will explode. Reminder: the triple cheeseburgers will cause you to have MASSIVE bowel movements for 24 hours after you eat it. Keep the plunger handy... 3/10.
Overall Rating: Good place to eat if your bowels are clogged, but other than that, there are cheaper and better places. Most BK's close at 10pm. I'm usually just waking up by then. Oh, and BK cancelled the 'International Chicken Sandwiches" about 8 years ago. I loved those, so I'm deducting points for a bad corporate decision. Instead of the original 4/10, they now get: 3/10.


Place: Carls Jr. (what a fucking joke...)
Quality of Service: Hello? Service? That is what you'll be saying to the drive-thru box. At Carls Jr, I'd be lucky if I even got my fucking food. The service is so bad, I even wrote an independent rant about it here. 1/10.
Quality of Food: Mediocre at best. The SuperStar and cris-cut fries are undeniably some of the better things on the menu. But then again, at Carls Jr, you'd have a better chance of winning the Powerball $100 million lottery jackpot than getting what you ordered. 2/10.
Overall Rating: The people responsible for hiring at Carls Jr. must be mentally disabled, because the employees that work there are a joke. Every Carls Jr. looks like a fast food Special Olympics, with retarded employees aimlessly wondering around everywhere. Even if their food gave me eternal happiness, cured the world's diseases, and gave me a skinny Christina Aguilera to use as a fuck puppet, I'd still rate them low because of their horrible service. End of story. 2/10.


Place: Taco Bell
Quality of Service: Good, if you speak Spanish. That's ironic considering there's nothing "spanish" or even "mexican" about the food. I speak enough Spanglish to order what I want, but I'm sure most non-lingual white people will have a hard time conveying their order. However, they haven't fucked up my orders on the rare occasions I eat at Taco Bell, so that's a plus. I will score them high in this category because I'm feeling a little buzzed on MGD's at the moment, so they get: 7/10.
Quality of Food: Quality at Taco Bell? HA! I'd be lucky if the processed meat served at Taco Bell was edible for human consumption! Taco Bell has some of the most white-washed Mexican food in existence. Surprisingly, it does cause you to have diarrhea and stinky farts like traditional (or real) Mexican food. 1/10.
Overall Rating: IMHO, Taco Bell really doesn't have anything 'super tasty' on the menu, but the food is edible and cures my hunger pangs. The hispanic people working at Taco Bell try to trick the white people into thinking their food is "south of the border", but it's not. I've been to Mexico and I've tasted authentic Mexican food. Taco Bell is white-washed fast food. Trust me, it definately IS fast food...it moves down my throat, out my stomach, and into the toilet in less than an hour after eating. 4/10.

AND THE WINNER...

Place: In & Out
Quality of Service: Very good! Sometimes the drive-thru can take longer then expected causing your car to overheat while waiting in a line of 20 cars, but the employees do their best to get everybody 'In and Out'. *That should be on their commercial compliments to me!*. In & Out also has hot American girls for employees who can speak English. Even the guys are cool, most of them are emo-rockers or surfers. In & Out has NEVER fucked up my order, EVER. And trust me, I've done my best to confuse them. 9/10.
Quality of Food: If I was ruler of the free world, I would construct an In & Out in my living room to serve me constantly. The food is honestly THAT good. They don't serve bullshit either, just burgers, drinks, and fries. The french fries aren't awesome, but they're still good. Aside from 'Romano's Macaroni Grill', this is the only restaurant/grill/diner/fast food joint I will rate 10/10.
Overall Rating: If you want to devour a dead cow on a slab of bread and cheese, than go to In & Out. Unfortunately for me, there aren't any local In & Out restaurants near where I live, but my room mate and I take a road trip and drive the 20 miles to the nearest In & Out whenever possible. 10/10.


Considering the amount of fast food joints in California alone, this list could have been alot longer, however I condensed it to five places I felt like reviewing. And for the record, I eat at Mickey D's alot (and I enjoy their food), but I just didn't review them because I didn't want this list to get to long-winded. Hell, I'd be surprised if anybody read this far anyways.



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