Old People Should Not Drive
Re-written on January 20th, 2004


We've all seen it. A grandpa or grandma getting into their early model 80's Cadillac or Buick. The same grandma spending five minutes just getting her walker into the trunk. And another five minutes adjusting her plastic hip from a standing to a prone position.

What the fuck is up with this? These people are too fucking old to walk, let alone DRIVE. I've watched various old people unknowingly back into oncoming traffic on a busy street. Do you know why? Because THEY CAN'T FUCKING SEE THE APPROACHING CARS! No one is going to notice their blue handicapped placard at 50mph. So when granny blindly pulls into oncoming traffic and causes an accident, I have to pay higher insurance premiums. I have seen safer driving from crack-toting gangbangers then I have from old people!

It's quite easy to spot elderly drivers on the freeway because they'll be the ones in the slow lane going 15mph below the legal speed limit -- with their hazard lights on. It's funny because they don't even realize their hazards are flashing away. However, every other human on the freeway does and avoids the slow lane like the plague.

Pull up next to them and you can see why they are going so slow - granny has two wrinkled hands on the wheel, dark black glasses to enhance her 10/15 eye-sight, clothes that look like they were purchased from a retro 'Good Will' thrift store, and a bright gray hair-do desperately in need of a perm barely protruding over the steering wheel. If it wasn't for the two phone books on her seat, I don't think granny would reach the pedal.

Old people tend to back into traffic without looking, so obviously they switch lanes without looking too. They don't even use their turn signals, they just expect people to move over for them. IMHO, most old people have the perception of a blind-folded chimpanzee on NoDoz and Viagra.

It would be safe to assume that most elderly people have a near perfect driving record. Even though these people might have caused multiple car accidents and probably been unknowingly responsible for a couple of driving related fatalities they can still legally operate a motor vehicle!

You can thank the morons over at the Department of Motor Vehicles for letting old people continue driving. Even if they can't see out of the windshield, the DMV will pimp elderly people for their social security check and grant them a license renewal. How fucked up is that? These are the same elderly people that would die of fright if you were to yell, "BOO!" within earshot of them. Yet, the DMV will still allow them to continue driving around the general public? That's more hazardous than having Michael Jackson babysit little kids.

So the moral of this rant is this: old people should not drive, period. End of discussion. If they need assistance merely trying to walk, they should not drive. If their legs don't fucking work, then how can they push the gas or break pedals? If they can't see, they should not drive. How can they see the road or other drivers if they can barely see their own hand in front of them? And if they are hooked up to a breathing machine, they should not FUCKING drive or get behind the wheel of any motor vehicle! GOD DAMN. WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY STOP BREATHING? Or what happens when I tie their breathing tube in a knot during a fit of road rage?

It would suck to see someone else suffer or atleast have to pay the insurance deductible if grandma or grandpa couldn't put down their pride and their driver's license. If they can't put down their license, I'll gladly put them down for a small fee. I have no problem taking the claw end of a hammer to an old person's skull if it will benefit the general public. Trust me on this.


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