How To: Get Out of A Blind Date
Written on Jul 20


So a buddy set you up on a blind date with an overweight (translation: fat) pig that smells like week old cheese and looks something like a rhinoceros in drag. But before you mutilate your buddy for putting you in this crappy situation, you need to get your ass away from the the human oddity that is your blind date.

And the quickest way to get away from "her" is to make her think you are more fucked in the head than she is. How can you do that? By pulling out your game face and using one of these erratic retorts:


"They say Valtrex is supposed to suppress Herpes, but I don't think so. My herpes really flamed up this morning when I was doing yoga. It even hurts when I sit."


"My parole officer said I shouldn't be dating so soon after prison, but it's been so long since I've talked to a real woman face to face. The last woman I talked to died. Anyhow..."


"Are my eyes dilated? My narcotics anonymous counselor said dating would take my mind off my crystal meth addiction. Who would have guessed an eight ball every hour could be classified as an addiction?" *Apply a nervous twitch for more effect*


"Work? I don't work, fuck that! I sit around my cousin's house all day and smoke pot and watch Jenny Jones. If you call getting a beer out of the refrigerator "working", then god damn, maybe I'm a hard worker!"


"Oh yeah, I love kids. Sometimes I go to the elementary schools and watch them play. I stand by the fence for hours watching them. Their so small and innocent...so fragile... so helpless. Uhh, yeah... I love kids alot."


"My mom is letting me date again. She didn't like the last girl I brought home. In fact, mom is home right now waiting for me. I told her I would be home at 9pm. I miss my mommy already. I need to call her. Can I use your cell phone? Please? I don't want mommy to get worried."


"Yeah, it's been a while since I've dated anybody. I contracted gonorrhea a few months ago. My doctor told me it takes over a year for gonorrhea to completely leave the body. That means no sex for a year. A year??? I can't wait that long!"


"I'm into trying alternative lifestyles... that's why I decided to go out on a date with you."


"As required by Megan's Law, I have to tell you that I'm a registered sex offender in four cities in California."


"No, those aren't gold teeth. They just LOOK gold..."


"One of my obscure fetishes is zoophilia. You might have heard it referred to as bestiality, but I'm merely a zoophile at heart."



Do you have any successful lines that helped you escape a blind date from hell? If so, drop me a line.


<< back