Customer Service
Written on Mar 10


I dislike practicing "customer service". In fact, I despise it. Dealing with uppity customers is about as enjoyable as having irritable vampire bats crawl around in my boxer shorts. And trust me when I say that's not very enjoyable.

I can't stand the fact that most customers treat you as their personal slave. Not only will they treat you like shit, but they'll expect to be treated like royalty in return. And if you don't treat them like the President, they'll complain to whoever's higher on the corporate ladder until your punished, fired, or apologetic. They attempt to use the worth of your job against you in order to serve them better.

Some people suck it up and take a customer's bullshit. But you guys should know me by now. I'M NICK STERLING, BITCH! I won't take their crap! I'm the Terminator of phony customer service. I'm straight up without any fake pleasantries or bogus façades. Just me. Nick. Not nice Nick, normal Nick. If someone has a legitimate question, I'll give them a legitimate answer. But I won't go out of my way to make a person feel like they just won the lottery. Uh uh, not me.

Some people walk into stores and act like the employees are there to serve them and wait on them. I have people constantly tell me what to do. I'm not a waiter. I don't take orders. I'm not grumpy or unfriendly, though. I'm cool (and most of the time helpful) until somebody catches an attitude with me. I'm afforded the luxury to not put up with bullshit if I don't want too. It's not like I'm going to be stoned to death for being brutally frank to a customer.

I find it amusing that people will ask me the dumbest fucking questions. Last night a lady held up a laundry detergent and asked how much it was. I was expecting the price tag to be missing or something. No, nothing was missing or smudged. The price was clearly marked right under the product. Yet, this lady felt it necessary to distract me from my work and call me down the aisle to ask how much the item was. THAT IS WHY WE HAVE PRICE TAGS! The fact it was a club item, with a special colorful tag should have been easy to recognize. Then she asked me what kind of oil would be good for her car. WTF? Do I look like a fucking auto-mechanic? Once again, I had to walk away and get one of the baggers to deal with her.

I recently worked at a pet store for a few months. I met a variety of lunatics and freaks that would come into my local pet store. I had enough writing material just from working at that job to last me a year.

Anyways, one lady actually demanded that I get her dog some water "because it was thirsty". How the fuck do you know if your dog is thirsty or not? It's not like the dog stood up, looked at her and said, "Get me some water, bitch!". (Even though that would've been cool!) For a second, I was taken back by her request. I couldn't believe someone actually asked me to feed their dog. Maybe she was expecting me to offer her dog some free biscuits and a bath, too? Psh! I just walked away from her. My co-worker handled the situation and recommended that she take her dog to the fish department for water. Knowing that, I'm going to leash up my cat and bring him in. I'll ask where I can have my cat take a shit, and maybe afterwards I'll ask for some complimentary food. She got away with it, why can't I? "Excuse me, my cat is horny... can you help me out?"

The best part of dealing with customers is when you are given the green light to be rude back to them. My last couple of customer service jobs haven't really meant much to me. I had other sources of income so I didn't care if I got fired or not. One of the best feelings in the world is to look at a rude customer and tell them they're a moron right in front of their face. Because when it comes down to it, they can't do anything to you.

"Go ahead and tell my manager. I don't care"

"My manager will probably tell you you're an idiot, too."

"I don't care if I'm fired or not. So go fuck yourself, scumbag."


Customer service jobs are transient for the most part. So if you work a job oriented towards customer service -- go ahead and tell a rude customer where to stick their ego. You'll feel much better, trust me. I've felt so much better about myself speaking my mind. Worse case scenario: you'll have an interesting story to tell to your buddies over beers. Or you could qualify for unemployment!

Got a worthwhile customer service rant/story/incident? Share it on the message board. I'd love to hear it.


<< back