I Drive A Car
Written on Nov 16


JAN 10.03 - UPDATE: Since I wrote this, the front fender is now an inch off the ground. It's been known to spark when driving through hills or dips. Also, my car had an unfortunate accident with a curb around Christmas. It's in working order now, however I have a new front tire that wobbles and no hub-cap.
I'm so ghetto. < /update >

Dear reader, I drive a car.

Everybody has some sort of functional automobile they use to get around. Some people drive a car, or a truck, or a nice luxury automobile like the 2003 Aston Martin V12 Vanquish Coupe... but me? I drive a piece of shit. Yes, my car is an official POS.

My car turns heads. When I drive, everybody looks. They aren't looking at the skinny dude driving the car, they are looking at the car itself. Why? Because the car is shit-colored brown. This car has to have the most disgusting shade of brown ever created by any car company. To give you guys an example of the color -- the next time you take a nasty, mexican-food induced shit, look at the toilet bowl water. That brown color in the water... that is my car's color. But this car isn't completely brown. Alot of the door dings, scratch marks, and missing paint accent the shit-colored brown well.

Enough about the paint job. There are other exterior blemishes on my car. There is no right-side mirror. It was KIA in a garage accident a month ago. The mirror sits damaged and broken in the back seat where it belongs. (RIP mirror). The front fender is hanging off. Whenever I drive through a dip or hill, the fender drags and/or sparks. This is a scary experience for any passengers because they think my car is about to explode. My front, right blinker doesn't work. I found this out about three days ago.

The window-washer-wipers make a terrible sound. Just imagine a cat clawing furiously at a chalkboard. Times that by 15. That's what my window-washer-wipers sound like. God forbid it rains.

My car occasionally dies. Wait, let me replace 'occasionally' with 'ALL THE FUCKING TIME'. It died three times taking it home from work this morning. Work is only a block away. It even died on the freeway, which was convenient for me. I had to merge out of traffic without crashing, put it in park, and then start it up... much to my dismay that it died *again* as I was trying to re-enter traffic. For almost killing me, I thank my car.

Last but not least, is the interior of my car. The upholstery was in superb condition when I bought the car in August. It's since deteriorated thanks to my overweight cat. My cat likes to sleep in the backseat of my car. This is cool with me, but he leaves all of the following, but not limited to: hairballs, clumps of hair, kitty litter, stains (don't know what kind), food particles, and an odor that could be attributed to 5,000 dung beetles.

With all the mishaps that my car has, it makes up for in car audio. My best friend put a top of the line audio system in that car about two years ago when he was driving it and sold it to me with the deck and speakers. Oh yeah baby, the sound system is worth more than the car! My 1986, shit-colored brown Toyota Corolla was appraised at $525 with the sound system. Take out the sound system and it's worth about $30. This is my life.
This is my car. I love my car. I love my piece of shit.


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